


Night Demons

by starrgazzer



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Episode Tag, Episode s5e1: Night, F/M, Missing Scene, Self-Worth Issues, extra sceen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:28:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24733132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrgazzer/pseuds/starrgazzer
Summary: The Night can cause anyone to remember the past and rethink their past decisions. What happens if the night never ends? What happens if you can't escape from the memories of the past mistakes? For Captain Kathryn Janeway this is especially true in "the void". Can Commander Chakotay reach her? Will he be able to help her before she makes another self destructive decision?
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	Night Demons

**Author's Note:**

> First, I have to send a HUGE thank you to [ Caladenia ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caladenia/profile) and [ angrywarrior69 ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/angrywarrior69/profile) for the time they spent giving this story a good beta! They did an amazing job! Thank you both so, so much. <3
> 
> I spent so long trying to perfect this story. I started this story close to 2 years ago. After much debate with myself, I realized that it's fanfiction! It's doing no good sitting on my computer catching dust. I hope you enjoy the story! Feel free to leave me a kudos and/or comment! :)

**Night Demons**

By: [ starrgazzer ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrgazzer/profile)

“What the hell was I thinking?” That's all I keep asking myself. All day, every day.

Entering this empty space has given me time to think. Really think. Every action I have taken, every command I have given, everyone I have lost and why. And why? To save complete strangers that I thought would be in danger if I didn't destroy the array. We could have used it to get home. But oh no. I had to be the hero. The great and glorious Captain Kathryn Janeway to the rescue. Who was I kidding? If I pulled a move like that in the alpha quadrant Starfleet would have demoted me at the very least. I am no Captain. No Starfleet Captain at least. I don't deserve this title or these pips. I don't deserve this outfit. What kind of Starfleet Captain would force her crew, and the crew of another ship to abandon everything they have ever known because I, and only I, decided to destroy our only way home.

Now we are stuck out here in the Delta quadrant. So far from home and from our families. All those families who have no idea that their loved ones are alive and well. All those children growing up in a home without one of their parents. All the friends who have probably given up on us and count us among the missing dead. Lost in the Badlands. Lost forever. Gone where no one can follow us. And all because of my error in judgment. Making a decision that was not mine to make.

I can't help the tears that fall late in the night. No one will ever know these thoughts or feelings I have. I can't be that vulnerable. I have to show the strong face. I have to make them believe that I have the strength to Captain this crew and get them home, if we ever get there. They just have to believe that I believe it.

And then Chakotay walks into my quarters. He had a report to give me, and yet another command I needed to give. Nothing life or death, but still just another decision I have to make, and hopefully I don't make the wrong one. A true test to see how I can handle myself. Not my best performance. Chakotay tries very hard to get me to spend some time with him. He says it'll do me good. I'm not so sure. I start to verbally attack him. I tell him how I feel. How it's my fault we are stuck out here. I watch as his face falls as he realizes what is happening to me. Again, I hide in the shadows and dismiss him with broken words. Harsh words. Hiding from him so he can't see the tears in my eyes, or the ones starting to fall on my cheeks. Wishing for a different life, a happier life for my crew.

I listen and I hear the door to my quarters open, then close. But I know that I am not alone. I can feel someone else here, in this room, with me. I turn my head slightly and I see Chakotay standing in the middle of the room as if he had never intended to leave. I guess he changed his mind and chose to stay. Disobeying orders of dismissal. It doesn't really matter. I ask him if he changed his mind about leaving. He says nothing. No matter. It wont bother me. I'll just go about my business and he can watch me if he so pleases. I turn my back completely on him now, half facing the wall but still looking out the view port.

“Kathryn,” his tone is light, caring, but hesitant, like he's talking to a hurt animal that he's afraid will attack at any moment. “You can't stay here forever.”

He shouldn't even bother. I did this to myself. This is what I deserve. Only, I should receive worse than this. Subjecting this crew, this innocent crew, to torture, starvation, loneliness, fear, among many other things. Why shouldn't I be completely alone? I know what I've done to them, and they know it too. I'm sure they blame me for all this. They are just stuck behind rules and protocol to actually say anything to my face. But I hear them. I hear the whispers and the hushed voices as I pass by. I pretend not to hear them, but I was taught to listen to my crews whispered voices. You learn just how well you're doing by hearing, but not listening. And I'm doing such a stellar job, aren't I? This crew does not need me. They deserve so much better. A much better captain who is capable of making the RIGHT decisions with her crew in mind. Not what I've done. I've brought nothing but hardship on this ship.

Chakotay doesn't know it yet, but I'll make him captain one day very soon. I know him. I see how he is with the crew and how he commands. He went through the same training that I did. He'd stick to the Starfleet way. I know he would. As hard as it was, we talked about it. That was years ago, but I don't doubt for a moment that he would stick to those same guidelines that we wrote out together. The question remains though, will he be able to let me go?

“Kathryn?” His voice is closer, and I realize I haven't said anything in response to his comment.

All I do is bow my head and try to hide the tears that fall. I don't say anything, but I do take a shaky breath. I hope he didn't hear it. He doesn't need to see his broken captain like this. Friend or not, this is not something that he needs to see or be apart of. I should have a face of stone for him, and the rest of the crew. Not tears that seem to flow freely down my face. This is no way for a captain to act, especially in front of her first officer.

I take in another quick breath as I feel his hands very gently, and hesitantly, touch my shoulders. I look up at the black of the view port, and see his reflection. He's looking at mine with those damn concerned eyes. He shouldn't look at me like that. I don't deserve that look from him.

“What do you think you deserve?” He asks, and I realize that I have said my thoughts out loud.

“Nothing,” I whisper, as I suddenly rip my body away from him and walk just a few feet away.

The truth is, I want. I want so much and so many things. I am not worthy of any of them for what I've done, but that doesn't mean that I don't want them. I want happiness. I want love and acceptance. I want to be held and I want to laugh. I want to relax and be worry free for once. I want to turn around, throw myself into his arms and let him hold me until the universe stops turning. I want to know that I've done right, and have no regrets. I want to know that I'm a good person who makes the right decisions. I do want so many things that I shouldn't have. That I don't have.

I've always held myself back from what I want. It was never right, or the right time, or there were rules, regulations, _parameters_ , to stick to and abide by. After all, I was held to a higher standard. I had my moments, but being the daddy's girl that I always was, I needed to make him proud. I still do. But why do I? He's gone. He's been gone for a long, long time. There's no one out here to judge me on my personal decisions. At least, there wont be soon. What does it matter anymore?

There he is again. Touching my shoulders gently. Trying to calm me, I assume. As he runs his gentle hands down my arms, he whispers my name again. I realize that he's no longer here as the first officer of Voyager. He's now here as just Chakotay. My best friend. Someone I'm attached to, and care deeply for.

I lean back into him ever so slightly, but it's enough. He wraps his arms around me and hugs me from behind. One arm around my chest, the other around my abdomen. I try so hard, but I can't hold it in anymore. The tears are there and falling before I can stop them. I grab his arms with my hands and hold on for dear life, as though my entire life would shatter at that moment if he let me go.

“It's all right,” he whispers in my ear. He's so gentle in that moment. Is it all right? I should be left alone, hurt, beaten, broken, dead or dying. He shouldn't be here trying to be loving and caring toward me.

“It's not,” I sob, my knees buckling beneath me. I fall to the floor, saved only by his arms. Kneeling in front of him, I double over sobbing uncontrollably. The tears fall from my face as I watch them hit the floor. It doesn't seem enough, watching the tears hit the carpet beneath me. I can't stop the tears from falling, or the cry's that escape my throat.

He pulls me back up to look at him before he lets go of me. I'm so weak. I bring my hands up and cover my face. I feel my universe shatter. Who wants to be around someone like this? I don't blame him for leaving. He should have left me earlier. It seems as though he's starting to believe that as well.

But I am wrong. He doesn't leave. He moves around me, and I feel him settle in front of me. He touches my wrists, but when I don't move, he gently, but firmly removes my hands from my face. I feel that I can't look at him, but I force myself to glance at his face. Those eyes of his are looking at me with such concern and care. It eats at me. He shouldn't look at me like that. That look should belong to someone worthwhile. Not me.

He slowly pulls me into his chest. I cry and sob against him as he wraps his arms around me and I can feel his strength. I feel so very, very small in his arms. He could easily over power me on my best days. Today, it only took 3 words from him to break me. Three small, and seemingly insignificant words. They had such an impact on me in my current state. Was it possible that he knew that? Doubtful. I know Chakotay. He wouldn't be vindictive or cruel to me. Not now. It's just not like him.

He leans back away from me and places a finger under my chin, softly lifts my face, forcing me to look at him. I can't stand it, and pull away from him again. I settle back on my legs and cover my face again. He doesn't pull my arms away from my face this time. Instead, he softly touches and rubs my arms with feather light touches. I just can't understand why he's being so gentle, so kind, and so _lenient_ with me. Of all the people on this ship he would be the one who has the most reason to be angry with me. He should want to hurt me, and to see me hurt. I've done him so wrong throughout the years that I've known him. Stuck in my Starfleet way. Hiding behind rules, regulations, and _parameters_.

And there is that word again. _Parameters_. I'm sure that's one word he never wants to hear again. It started on New Earth. I never gave into my feelings, and I should have. I should have lovingly, and willingly given myself to him. I should have listened to my thoughts, and hormones, forgetting about propriety. Maybe even given him my entire heart and soul. It would have been less complicated and frustrating for both of us. Both then, and now.

But, oh no. Be prim and proper. What would people think? As if anyone but us would know what happened. We thought that we were going to be there the rest of our lives. Why shouldn't I have given in. Especially after that damn story he told me. He laid his feelings out in front of me. He told me exactly how he felt, and he's still proving it. And what have I done about it? Nothing. No, that's wrong. I have done something. A lot of somethings. I've pushed him away, dismissed his feelings, held him at an arms length. I've called him a friend, only to treat him like an underling rather than an equal, even during off duty hours. Maybe I need to change that.

He takes a shallow, unsteady breath and speaks to me again. His voice is very hushed, and whispering softly to me. “Kathryn, I wont pretend to know what's going on in your head. But please, let me in. Share something with me. Let me help.”

He places his hands around my shoulders and moves closer to me before he continues. “I wont ever leave you, no matter what you do to me. I'll even beg you just to look at me if you wait long enough.”

I peak at him through my fingers. Recognizing his small attempt humor, but I know he was only half joking. But it was enough to make me glance at him. He looks hopeful at me. I need to stop hiding from him. He's here because he cares about me. I may not think that I deserve it, but he doesn't need any more pain caused by me.

I slowly take my hands away from my face and gently place them on his chest. I look into his eyes for a moment and see every loving feeling he could possible have for someone. I lean into him and lay my head on his shoulder, and his arms wrap around me. Silent tears continue to fall from me and I sigh. I believe this is what he thinks I need, and I start to think that he's right. This is comfort. Maybe it's comfort I need. Maybe something more.

After some time has passed, I have no idea how long, the tears have finally stopped and start to dry on my face. I find that I have moved closer to Chakotay, and he's slightly tightened his arms around me. Just holding me quietly. I move my hands that are still on his chest, and smooth them up over his shoulders as I lift my head, and wrap my arms around his neck. And we just hug for long moments. His hand moves to my head and softly smooth and brush my hair down to my neck before repeating the action. It was so relaxing and comforting I nuzzle my face into his neck and close my eyes.

I then surprised myself, and him, by kissing his neck. He momentarily tightened his arms around me as I kiss him, but almost immediately relaxes them again. I lift my head and look at him. He's guarded. I can see he is not wanting to hold out hope for my actions to mean anything, and it breaks my cold, dead heart. I've done that to him. Disappointed him so many times when all he wants to do is love me. To show me everything that he has ever felt for me. I have to make a decision right now, and quickly. What would giving into my feelings really mean to him? To me? For us?

He can see that I'm conflicted, and raises a hand to touch my cheek. He softly moves his thumb over my cheek and just smiles at me. I know that no matter what I decide to do in this moment, he will understand and will never hold it against me. It also means that he expects me to do nothing again. To keep to my _parameters_ and walk away again. He expects me to continue with the friendship that we've had all along that should be more, but because of me, it's not.

And he's right. That would be just like me to do that. Deny him everything that he desires and deny myself the happiness I could gain from having all of him. If I decide to do that, will I be able to continue to do my job properly? Starfleet will scrutinize every decision I will ever make from this moment on. And not just mine, but his as well. Can I put him through that? Can I really sacrifice everything we have both been working so hard towards just for the little thing that is our happiness. Does our happiness really matter that much? Our future could be in trouble if I make the wrong decision. I don't know if its worth it.

He leans forward and places a kiss on my forehead and whispers, barely audible, “It's okay, Kathryn,” and with that, the decision is made.

To hell with _parameters_. To hell with it all.

He starts to pull away from me, but stops when he sees the heated look on my face. I can feel it. The change. A life changing decision being made in my head, and I give into it.

I lean up into him and joined his lips with mine. He hesitates slightly, as if he's trying to decide if this is real or not, but he starts giving in. Bringing his hand to the back of my head, he deepens the kiss and I open myself up to him. I give him the lead and let him decide what to do next. I may be the captain of Voyager, but I will let him command this part. He deserves that much, and I would enjoy it. I know that anything he does would be for me.

Piece by piece and layer by layer our clothing begins to disappear. Somehow we've moved from the floor of the living space to my bed. Standing in front of it, he has finally broken the kiss. Looking at me, now completely nude, I see a fire in his eyes I have never seen before. It's the kind of fire that is only ever shared between lovers. True lovers. Of all my years, and all my relationships, and all the men I have loved and lost, I have never seen such an intense look. It lights a fire far more intense than I expected within me. I need him, and I need him now.

He backs up from me just slightly and I feel the sudden cold from the room, and I allow a confused expression to cross my face. His expression is soft as are his hands as he runs them over my stomach, chest, and up my neck before he stops all contact between him and I.

“Kathryn, you have to be sure about this before we continue,” he says to me. “There's no going back if we do this.”

He's giving me a choice. At first I think I might change my mind. If I allow myself to think about this, I know I will stop this now. Instead, I don't think. I listen to my body and react to what it really wants. I take a small step forward, wrap my arms around him and kiss him again.

Once we break for air, I hear myself finally answer him, “I've never been more sure in my life.” I never would have thought it possible, but the fire I see in his eyes seems to get hotter, and brighter. As though my words were stoking it.

He crushes his body to mine and captures my lips in a heated kiss. I'm completely lost in him. The feel of his naked skin against mine allows my fire to grow and engulf me completely. The heat between us is growing, along with other parts of the anatomy, as I feel myself being lifted up off the floor and placed gently on the bed. His body completely covers mine and I have never felt so warm and comfortable before.

Chakotay ends our kiss but continues to kiss me around my face. As he reaches my chin he starts to suck lightly, but sensually as he continues down to my neck. His hands roam over my breasts, lightly pinching my nipples on their way down my body. I can't help the moan that escapes my mouth and the slight arch of my back as his mouth moves on to my breasts and starts to kiss and suck around them.

I'm completely unaware of what his hands are doing, as he continues to light the fire in me using my breasts as the bellows. I feel a pressure between my legs and realize that he has moved his hands between my legs and is currently moving them apart. I relax them and comply with his unspoken wishes.

I expect him to push into me, but he doesn't. He moves back up my body and kisses me deeply and breathlessly before he quickly moves back down my body and settles between my legs. Before I can comprehend what is happening, his hands move my labia open. Before I can react, his mouth is on me. The pleasure is so intense that my back arches without my permission, my hand goes down to his head, and I can't help the noises escaping my lips. I've never experienced this before. I never thought I would like this, or enjoy it this way. His mouth is so hot, as I feel his tongue glide up and down causing intense pleasure run through my body, building and building to an unseen end. He centers his attention on my clitoris and sucks it between his teeth. He doesn't bite down, but softly glides his teeth up and down my now swollen bundle of nerves. The pleasure is more intense than I've ever felt before.

He returns to licking and sucking after a few moments of using his teeth. He's gotten into a very pleasurable rhythm and I have never felt my nerves burn with so much heat and pleasure.

Very rarely have I been pleasured by my partner. Normally, I would pleasure myself while I gave them what they desired. This was very different, and so very good. His mouth is so hot and so wet on me. I never thought I would enjoy something like this. I convinced myself that it didn't feel as good as others claimed it did, and that I wouldn't like it. I truly thought that it would hurt, but this was enjoyable pain. Pain that only created pleasure, and pain that would end in the inevitable burst of stars throughout my body.

Somehow, Chakotay starts to move that glorious tongue of his a little bit faster, and just slightly harder against my pudendum. I was so lost in the pleasure his mouth was giving me that I didn't notice that I had spread my legs a little bit more to give him better access, or that I was moaning his name, and the name of any and all deities that I could remember.

He must feel the orgasm before I started to, or noticed it before I could have. I rarely experience it at the hands of a lover, never by the mouth of a lover, and it has never been so intense. My body suddenly, and without permission, convulsed, sending extreme pleasure through every cell in my body. My skin feels as though it is suddenly bursting with the hottest stars and chilled by the vacuum of space all at the same time. My groin pulsed with the heartbeat of pleasure, and my muscles tighten in the most sensual, yet gratifying way. The best orgasm of my life takes over my entire body. All I can feel is the absolute bliss as my body starts to come down from its first high at the mouth of my new lover.

As my breathing began to even out again, and I slowly came back to reality, I looked down my body and the very smug, smiling face of Chakotay who was obviously very pleased with himself. He very slowly crawls up my body, dropping a kiss every few inches until he covered me completely again. I could feel him, very hot, hard, and ready for me, against my thigh.

Again, I expected him to do what I thought he wanted, and enter me completely, but he did not. Instead, he kisses me long and deep, full of what felt like emotion. I could taste something a bit musty in his mouth that could only be the residual of what I must taste like.

Pulling away slightly, smiling down at me, he stats, “If I had known you were a screamer, I would have asked you to use a pillow.”

It took me a moment to realize what he was talking about. I must have screamed when my orgasm hit me without realizing it. Smirking, I replied, “Maybe you should try to make me scream again,” as I wrap my legs around his back, urging him to complete his mission.

Watching me with fire in his eye, and the same look of desire he gave me before we started, he reached down between us, finding my entrance and very slowly starts to enter me. Everything is very sensitive and aching with pleasure that I can't help my reaction of arching and moaning which only seemed to increase his pleasure as he continues to very slowly continue his movements. I look at his face. He has his eyes closed, mouth slightly open, and a look that could only be described as intensely satisfied. All of my internal muscles feel as if they are being massaged, but still burning with the intensity of my earlier orgasm. Everything with Chakotay feels different. Especially this. It is as though we are meant for each other, and fit each other perfectly. I start to wonder why I waited so long to give in to my feelings, and hormones, to experience this before now. Why did I allow _parameters_ to stand in our way? If I had known this is what I was missing, I may not have waited so long.

I don't get to finish my thought because Chakotay is speaking to me. His voice to breathless, and has an edge to it I have never heard before. “Spirits, Kathryn, you are so tight.”

Although I automatically want to take it the wrong way, as if something is wrong with me, I can't help but take it as a complement. I try to think of a reply, but nothing I think to say seems right in this moment. Instead, I wrap my arms around him and tenderly touch his face. He opens his eyes at my touch, then kisses me again. I could get very used to these lips on mine, but we have other, more pleasurable activities going on.

Chakotay leans his forehead lightly against mine, and slowly starts to move his hips, causing a happy friction between our bodies. After a few minutes of moving like this, he lifts his head and sits back more on his knees, rather than holding himself up on his arm, and picks up a little bit of speed. He leans over me, and starts to kiss and suck his way across my chest coming to rest on a nipple, which he begins licking and lightly biting like he was doing to me just a few minutes earlier, only more gently.

I tighten my legs around him, increasing the friction and pleasure between us as I run my hands all over his body, wherever I can reach. With each thrust, I can feel my body respond wanting more and more, demanding his touch as if he were a drug. I can feel that heat building again, and can't believe what I'm feeling. I have never had so much sensation in my life, and have never felt this close to anyone. This is completely different from any experience I have ever had in the past. It's amazing to me.

Chakotay's movements become slower, and a bit harder as he thrusts into, and nearly completely out of my body. I start to have trouble keeping up with him as the muscles in my body begin to tighten and I can feel anther orgasm building. It stays right on the edge of spilling over, waiting for the right movement, the right pleasure, the right amount of friction.

I can feel it start to slip as Chakotay thrusts faster into me. I can feel that he's also getting close as his movements become less organized and more desperate. He moves faster, and faster, and faster until my body can't handle the friction any longer and a second orgasm rips through my body. I can feel my internal muscles squeeze him, and I can hear myself moaning uncontrollably. I feel Chakotay stop for a moment, then at the peak of my orgasm, he begins to move again, prolonging the pleasure that I'm feeling.

I realize now that he is so very close. He's panting and moaning his own pleasure. I suddenly hear my name softly called from his lips. He's looking at me with desperation, and it takes me a moment, but I finally understand that he's asking permission. He wants to complete inside of me, but he won't do it unless I indicate to him that it's okay. And I do. I kiss him hard, and deep. Within our kiss, I feel him stiffen a bit, then feel something very hot shoot inside of me. He breaks our kiss, and moans my name as he starts to slow his movements to a stop.

Still inside me, he lays on top of me and tries to get his breathing under control again. I wrap my arms around him, and kiss him where I can. Of everything in my life, this was the absolute best experience I could have ever had. I have never experienced such pleasure, and certainly not this type of love. Love? Yes, love. That has to be what this is. Have I never known true love before this?

Slowly, Chakotay lifts himself off of me, and even more slowly, starts to pull out of me. We both groan in unison as he completely leaves my body and lays down beside me. Neither of us say anything as he gathers me up to lay and cuddle in his arms.

The last thought I have, as I fall asleep is how much I could get used to this. To him, here with me, as my partner, my companion, lover and friend. We could grow with each other, and rely on each other more and more each day.

**=/\= =/\= =/\= =/\= =/\=**

I still have no idea what I was thinking. Staying behind in a shuttle craft and sending my crew ahead. I should have known that Chakotay wouldn't leave me behind to deal with Controller Emch on my own. A shuttle craft against a Malon export vessel? A very well armed export vessel no less? Seems more like I was wanting to go on another suicide mission, rather than fix my mistake and help my crew, and save Chakotay.

I'd done it before while a Commander on the USS Billings. I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. To redeem myself, but my reprimand of “Reckless Behavior” should have taught me otherwise. Obviously, it did not.

Maybe my new future will fix that fatal flaw in me. My very real possible future with the man that helps me command my ship, and, if he agrees, will also help guide my personal life. I have to remember to keep telling myself, “No mistakes, no regrets.” Happiness is a very real possibility.

**THE END**


End file.
